Friday, June 23, 2006

Sobriety sucks

I really do not know, understand or comprehend how people can go through life not using drugs or alcohol. Really, it baffles me just like Bush's re-election baffled me and New Labour's undying support, from the people who are constantly getting fucked over by them, baffles me.

All day long I tramp around the streets of Manchester looking for a job; a fake smile upon my face; filling out form after application form with idiotic questions like: "What attracts you to work here?" and "What qualification do you have?" and "Please supply us with full details from the time you left college/school/university". Most of these applications come with pre-printed-fill-it-in-forms, just to force you to continuously write the same bullshit over and over again. It's like high-school punishment!
I just know that one day, and believe me... that will be one day soon, I'm gonna snap like a finger at an ABBA concert, throw the application form on the table and scream: "IT'S A FUCKING BAR JOB!!! I'M ONLY GOING TO BE SERVING FUCKING BEER! YOU PRETENTIOUS SCUMFUCK!" Or something along those lines.

I mean, come off it, they want to know everything from my reasons for travelling around to why I quit working for the Dutch refugee organisation. "Oh, general boredom, politics, ethics, morality...you know, that sort of thing. YOU FUCKING WAITER!!!".

Where's the valium when you fucking need it? See, I'd be a lot happier going to one of these most tedious of occasions (job interviews) if I was stoned out of my skull.
Talking of which, where does one score hashish in Manchester? Fuck, do I ever need to get stoned.

Then at night I stand around doing nothing. I can't go to a pub. Oh God no. Entering a pub would definately break my vow of sobriety faster than a job interview gets on my tits. And that's saying something.
Where the fuck do these arrogant pricks come from anyways? "Oh, you're not what we're looking for...blah blah blah."
How justified are you, after two weeks of listening to this fucking crap, to drag the person interviewing you over the table and to smack him around like a dead fish?

And the days last so looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong...
I go to bed at 12, I fall asleep at 2 and I'm awake at 7. Every day: 19 hours of sobriety. Just standing around, doing things I don't want to be doing and not even getting fucked out of my skull for the trouble.

It sucks I tells ya, it sucks.
Rik Mayell (from the Young Ones) wasn't as funny as usual. Or maybe it was because I was sober.
Watching the world cup is boring. When you are sober. Football and sobriety go together like Bush and intelligence. In fact, when I'm sober, watching football digresses into nothing more than watching 22 millionaires running around a field kicking an inflated piece of cow about.

Masturbation loses its edge (which isn't all that it's cracked up to be anyways) when you're not stoned. You don't even get hangover hots when you're sober...

How do people do it?
They must live hella interesting lives to be able to suffer it without beer. Or wine. Or whiskey. Or marijuana. Or valium. Or...or...or any old drug.

When asked if I'm an alcoholic or a druggy, I generally say: "No. Not that I'm aware of." But to be quite honest, I sometimes doubt my answer.
On the other hand, something's gonna kill you at one point, and I'd rather be killed by an expensive glass of Bordeaux than by boredom.

Hell yeah!

And on a side note:
Harriet the tortoise has died. Age 175.
And do you know what her keepers said? "Her longetivity was due to a stress free life".
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/5109342.stm

A stress free fucking life! No way am I gonna make it at this rate. I'll probably die at 40 with all the stress and bull-crap I have to endure.

53 Comments:

Anonymous Foul Ole Ron said...

As they said to Leonard on the crapper in Full Metal Jacket:"Go easy, Leonard..."

Which was about 5 minutes before he shot his brains out.

2:39 PM  
Anonymous The Dude said...

Now that's my body.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Su said...

and what stress are we having today kind sir? WHY do you not come to see me and fellow Scotsman for a fuckoutofyourskull BBQ, an alcohol free cocktail and some....girl with boobs hanging out of her dress? (ask Ray, she's 19). You'll have to do it in 5 weeks from now though as I am back in the land of clogs and superskunk right now and touring the US of A in a bigass filthy Ford Mustang after that BUT...the good news is....there will still be good merry ol' England with all it's chavs, little britain, stinking pubs and hooligans after that.
sweet kisses and smile! it confuses people

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Yeah... it seems to be confusing me too.
Whatever are you on about?

11:15 AM  
Blogger Salamander said...

According to the "stress free theory of longevity" you died 7 and a half years ago.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now...that is a bummer!

Mark

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mate, thanks for posting this. You posted EXACTLY what I was thinking!

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God, I thought I was the only one who thought like this...

I have gone about 5 days without drinking and I'll tell ya... IT SUCKS. It's just too damn boring.

Life is just BORING AS HELL when your sober. I'm sorry, it is.

It's not that I'm an alcoholic because I swear I'm not. I CAN quit but WHY THE HELL SHOULD I??

WHAT IS TO BE GAINED BY BEING SOBER???? NOTHING!! Thats what.

It's just more fun to be Buzzed through life than live it the boring sober way. It's more of a "challenge" being drunk 1/2 the time.

Let's face it... There really isn't much to life. Anyone can get married, Anyone CAN work and get promoted if they wanted to. ANYONE can go to college if they care to get in debt for it. You live then you die. If you had a good time then hell, you did pretty good in my openion.

Being Drunk or High is one of the most beautiful things in life. A Gift if you will, from God.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sobriety sucks. No argument there. I was having a fantasy of becoming the female george carlin. any advice for that?

4:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You blabbering fool. I've been addicted to painkillers, marijuana, benzodiazapines, and alchohol for four years of my teenage to early twenties life. Life's boring? How about smoking the same fucking spliff everyday, the same glass of gin EVERYDAY, the same pills everyday!! Life is not boring, YOUR life is just so fucking boring because all you do in it is ingest chemicals. SURE if you stop for one week its going to be boring. Life is about finding something meaningful that gets better with time, drugs AINT it. TRY stopping for a year, see how much better life can get with practice, you cant expect to not smoke pot one day and suddenly life is great, you been JACKING off for the passed four years, its going to take time dumbshit.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and by the way, if you actually try something new (like not sitting on your ass drinking for once) you may find life can be more interesting than drinking a beverage over and over. You may find that you don't need to bitch about a boring waiting job (because you have a real one), you may find you don't need to go on the internet to bitch about how boring your life is. TRY IT instead of blathering on and continuing with the same crap (crap which is apparently stressing you) over and over. Oh and you may get some pussy too. I know, sounds impossible huh?

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Was Really High.... said...

Look at it this way, with drugs, you know exactly where you will be tomorrow, and next year. After four years of it, you become suspicious that the pill you just popped may very well have been the one you popped yesterday. By definition that is boring. If you're not constantly stuck to a TV (or couch) with a bong, you leave room for mystery, who knows where you will go, that is real life.

8:08 PM  
Blogger AThousandYoung said...

Shav has a blog! Bitchin'. So do I - mine has my attempt at Deep Thoughts instead of humor though.

I'm blazed 90% of my conscious time, but it's medical for me.

:)

I do remember in Tae Kwon Do - a high intensity, very physical martial art from Korea - after a good workout I would feel INCREDIBLE.

It was a high - from the addictive drugs your body produces naturally to get you into the habit of exercising should you ever decide you need to do so. So, try vigorous exercise.

I don't any more, because I'm a lazty stoner, but it's a way to get a healthy high.

Shav - I've been looking for your essay on dating advice you wrote on RHP a long time ago. Do you have it on this site? I'll check your archive now. If not, you should post it!

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